November 18, 2010 ~
Today, pour down on me a shower of revitalization. I need a bit of strength in the tired feet upon which I stand. I need a tiny push in the right direction. Build up my courage and self-esteem for this road to reach the optimal levels in which my person can use. Open the doors for me to follow into. I need your hand of guidance and reassurance.
My mind is flooded with bits of "Am I shooting too high for myself? ; Will I achieve this? ; Will I be able to be great? ; Although it doesn't feel like it, but is there a possibility that I've followed false dreams again, because it's happened before? ; How am I certain? ; What will break me this time around? ; Will it be too much for me to handle? ; OR could I have been shooting for the moon, all while you were wanting me to shoot for the stars? ; Is this happiness REAL? ; Do I deserve this?"
So many unanswered questions are consuming my mind and wearing me thin. Though I can't help but only see the good things in life again. Maybe that means this is right and true. Hold on to me in this and don't let us go. Even the uncertainty in this path is a sweet aroma for my scarred soul. All that is left: Thank you. I'm in love again. Today: no more tears.
"It may not have been the way I would have chosen, when you lead me through a world that's not my home...I will go through the valley if you want me to." -G.O.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
~ Je sais! ~
October 14, 2010 ~
Today is the day I became worth something. Today is the day, that every random and cruel road I had to travel makes sense. The past breaks and pains yield a purposeful path in which I must now walk, with pride and joy beyond an explanation of words. I now hold my head high and smile to random strangers. I am myself again. I take a huge breath upon waking each day and realize that nothing else matters, but this. I found my calling in life and knew it all along. I never believed in myself until now, in this moment of profound revelation. I deserve this. I desire this. I crave this. I want to be a pediatrician and nothing else. I look into the sunset and know that it will all be ok and I will forever be satisfied with this decision. No worries, no doubt, no regret, no looking back. This is the ultimate beauty of life: Find your way, your calling in life. For having a purpose is the ultimate goal. Without purpose you remain lost and barren. I'm simply radiant with revelation.
Today is the day I became worth something. Today is the day, that every random and cruel road I had to travel makes sense. The past breaks and pains yield a purposeful path in which I must now walk, with pride and joy beyond an explanation of words. I now hold my head high and smile to random strangers. I am myself again. I take a huge breath upon waking each day and realize that nothing else matters, but this. I found my calling in life and knew it all along. I never believed in myself until now, in this moment of profound revelation. I deserve this. I desire this. I crave this. I want to be a pediatrician and nothing else. I look into the sunset and know that it will all be ok and I will forever be satisfied with this decision. No worries, no doubt, no regret, no looking back. This is the ultimate beauty of life: Find your way, your calling in life. For having a purpose is the ultimate goal. Without purpose you remain lost and barren. I'm simply radiant with revelation.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Hello Life
October 9, 2010 ~
Welcome Day 1 of the roller coaster called life. It seems that upon every rise and high point in life, there is a greater force than that of gravity there waiting to pull me down with utmost power. Today is the hardest that I have had to go through in two years. I became good at fighting to keep the door of hurt and pain locked. All of my training thus far has been proven to be worthless in holding me strong in the toughtest times. I want to go run to free my mind, but my feet are blistered from running as much as I have. So, I'm left here, alone, to suffer the hits and blows that the day holds ripe in its hands. I'm left to try to focus my breathing, my convulsions, and my tears. The bad part is that I have nothing to hold onto to pull myself out. No constant to keep my focus from spiraling. I'm left to ride the waves out of this storm without a life jacket, or even my arms and legs to fight the currents. Come on, "reason and logic."
All of my prayers and blessings I wished for you came true. But your humbled soul came out on the bad end, and is basking in what was left for your good soul to thrive on. Now, I'm afraid you will be gone forever and become the bad soul that took over. This hurts me more than all things I've been through so far. What's sad is that you could have been strong enough to fight this with the right people in your life. Unfortunately you pushed them away. When I used to think of you, you were life. Now, when I think of you... life is sad. Goodbye, sweet soul.
Hurry, Heart heal. Heal.
Welcome Day 1 of the roller coaster called life. It seems that upon every rise and high point in life, there is a greater force than that of gravity there waiting to pull me down with utmost power. Today is the hardest that I have had to go through in two years. I became good at fighting to keep the door of hurt and pain locked. All of my training thus far has been proven to be worthless in holding me strong in the toughtest times. I want to go run to free my mind, but my feet are blistered from running as much as I have. So, I'm left here, alone, to suffer the hits and blows that the day holds ripe in its hands. I'm left to try to focus my breathing, my convulsions, and my tears. The bad part is that I have nothing to hold onto to pull myself out. No constant to keep my focus from spiraling. I'm left to ride the waves out of this storm without a life jacket, or even my arms and legs to fight the currents. Come on, "reason and logic."
All of my prayers and blessings I wished for you came true. But your humbled soul came out on the bad end, and is basking in what was left for your good soul to thrive on. Now, I'm afraid you will be gone forever and become the bad soul that took over. This hurts me more than all things I've been through so far. What's sad is that you could have been strong enough to fight this with the right people in your life. Unfortunately you pushed them away. When I used to think of you, you were life. Now, when I think of you... life is sad. Goodbye, sweet soul.
Hurry, Heart heal. Heal.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Pivot Point
October 8, 2010 ~
One whiff of you is all it took. Now I'm fighting to swallow the lump in the back of my throat that your existence creates. Today was confirmation that all I once believed was true. I find myself dangling from many thin, invisible lines that are connected to you. I dream and wish for the day that I can walk up to you with severed lines and show you what I've become and what I represent, in hopes that you will be proud and perhaps understand all that I invisioned. The pain is trying to come unlocked, but I fight and hold onto the reality of today.
The beautiful part of today is that I get to "ask myself, 'Who do I wanna be?' I wanna be no one but ME." Life can be beautiful past the pain and I entend to eventually make it my purpose to represent that mere truth. If nothing else, but to prove you did not define or alter my existence the way I once thought you did, maybe to prove this to myself. What is a word without definition?... So it is with a person.
La beaute est la vie! And I hope to portray this in the following days of my life. Keep in mind that in order to fully embrace the joy, you must understand the depths of pain and hurt. So, I plan on a full roller coaster ride out of life with ups and downs. As painters use shaded colors to bring out the vibrant ones, so does life bring about the ugly to accentuate the things of resplendent experiences.
One whiff of you is all it took. Now I'm fighting to swallow the lump in the back of my throat that your existence creates. Today was confirmation that all I once believed was true. I find myself dangling from many thin, invisible lines that are connected to you. I dream and wish for the day that I can walk up to you with severed lines and show you what I've become and what I represent, in hopes that you will be proud and perhaps understand all that I invisioned. The pain is trying to come unlocked, but I fight and hold onto the reality of today.
The beautiful part of today is that I get to "ask myself, 'Who do I wanna be?' I wanna be no one but ME." Life can be beautiful past the pain and I entend to eventually make it my purpose to represent that mere truth. If nothing else, but to prove you did not define or alter my existence the way I once thought you did, maybe to prove this to myself. What is a word without definition?... So it is with a person.
La beaute est la vie! And I hope to portray this in the following days of my life. Keep in mind that in order to fully embrace the joy, you must understand the depths of pain and hurt. So, I plan on a full roller coaster ride out of life with ups and downs. As painters use shaded colors to bring out the vibrant ones, so does life bring about the ugly to accentuate the things of resplendent experiences.
Friday, September 18, 2009
I Had A Dream
September 19, 2009 ~
I unwrap my straining arms from around my legs. I detach my chin from my chest and pull my head up out from between my knees. I close my eyes and let the wind of the air dry my tears. The paths that my tears have created are forever the the canyons of my pain. My heart may be shattered, but I lock the doors to the scene of crime. The bloody mess is left to dry. Though the layers are thick and many, the stiches of time are left to mend the wreckage. I stand on my wobbling newborn's knees. For so long my body has conformed to the hazy confusion of a whirlwind. Now that my feet stand solid, my body is perplexed. So is my soul. Still and quiet are the many sounds of existence. Slowly, a new shade of a brighter color lines the details of life. With every step I take into the colors, my soul feels a crisp sensation that can only be described as an early morning before the dawn of a new day. Although I don't know what the rest of my existence entails, I can't help but yearn for the change that needs to ensue. What lies beneath the time and lock is a pain that will inevitably be revisited by a strong percussion of waves. So longs my soul for the all too familiar state of a throbbing ache. Walk I must, for the instinct of survival is the ultimate successor. "I'm ready now. To fly from the highest swing.(P.A.)"
I unwrap my straining arms from around my legs. I detach my chin from my chest and pull my head up out from between my knees. I close my eyes and let the wind of the air dry my tears. The paths that my tears have created are forever the the canyons of my pain. My heart may be shattered, but I lock the doors to the scene of crime. The bloody mess is left to dry. Though the layers are thick and many, the stiches of time are left to mend the wreckage. I stand on my wobbling newborn's knees. For so long my body has conformed to the hazy confusion of a whirlwind. Now that my feet stand solid, my body is perplexed. So is my soul. Still and quiet are the many sounds of existence. Slowly, a new shade of a brighter color lines the details of life. With every step I take into the colors, my soul feels a crisp sensation that can only be described as an early morning before the dawn of a new day. Although I don't know what the rest of my existence entails, I can't help but yearn for the change that needs to ensue. What lies beneath the time and lock is a pain that will inevitably be revisited by a strong percussion of waves. So longs my soul for the all too familiar state of a throbbing ache. Walk I must, for the instinct of survival is the ultimate successor. "I'm ready now. To fly from the highest swing.(P.A.)"
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Hindrance
June 16, 2009 ~
Where do I start with my shredded soul? You said living without being loved is a hindrance for our being. Well, did you plan to hinder me from all you created me to be? All you've put me through or allowed me to go through has infallibly caused such a great pain that ultimately clipped my wings of what life I'm capable of. Why create me if all you tend to do is let me be unloved especially by you? If there is love in your heart for me then you don't show it, you don't give it, you don't let it exist in human terms and conditions. You made me a human so I see and rationalize through a human mind and heart. You say that you love all your creation so much that you hinder yourself to show your love. What relationship is this that you don't even do that? You can for others, but not for Lauren. What have I done or not done to deserve this cold, dark existence? Is your kingdom being furthered through "Lauren's pain?" Good, I'm glad someone is enjoying the presence of, or absence thereof, my heart. I may be still in this room, but I can't even look at you right now. My head is rested against the window staring out at all existence entails. Staying in this room is a hindrance for me, for all I want to do is walk out and close the door. I've hindered myself to stay inside this enclosed room of pain with you in the other corner. You can't even hinder yourself to love me. I can't try anymore, I'm here but I am spent. I truly believe a one way relationship can not work. I've put forth mine, where's yours? Please don't try to tell me that this is a test to see how much I truly love you when all your love is taken away. That's mess! The same way MJS's every word was!
Where do I start with my shredded soul? You said living without being loved is a hindrance for our being. Well, did you plan to hinder me from all you created me to be? All you've put me through or allowed me to go through has infallibly caused such a great pain that ultimately clipped my wings of what life I'm capable of. Why create me if all you tend to do is let me be unloved especially by you? If there is love in your heart for me then you don't show it, you don't give it, you don't let it exist in human terms and conditions. You made me a human so I see and rationalize through a human mind and heart. You say that you love all your creation so much that you hinder yourself to show your love. What relationship is this that you don't even do that? You can for others, but not for Lauren. What have I done or not done to deserve this cold, dark existence? Is your kingdom being furthered through "Lauren's pain?" Good, I'm glad someone is enjoying the presence of, or absence thereof, my heart. I may be still in this room, but I can't even look at you right now. My head is rested against the window staring out at all existence entails. Staying in this room is a hindrance for me, for all I want to do is walk out and close the door. I've hindered myself to stay inside this enclosed room of pain with you in the other corner. You can't even hinder yourself to love me. I can't try anymore, I'm here but I am spent. I truly believe a one way relationship can not work. I've put forth mine, where's yours? Please don't try to tell me that this is a test to see how much I truly love you when all your love is taken away. That's mess! The same way MJS's every word was!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Passionate Fires
May 14, 2009 ~
I am too passionate. I knew I had it in me and unfortunately a person came along and set it to fire. My flames burned the biggest brightest flames that any enormous wild fire could create. My passion is so strong that no man or oceans of water can stop the burning. My flames can only stop by choking themselves amongst the continuous roar of ...myself. That is why there is pain. My passion is slowly dieing amongst the oxygen starved air of its creation. Although the absence of this passion is greatly depressing, there is one thing that I hold onto. After the fires there is a self created Spring season as new growth sprouts through my tar and ash covered soul. This I hold onto. This I strive to catch a glimpse of in hopes that my soul is restored. Could this miracle happen?
I am too passionate. I knew I had it in me and unfortunately a person came along and set it to fire. My flames burned the biggest brightest flames that any enormous wild fire could create. My passion is so strong that no man or oceans of water can stop the burning. My flames can only stop by choking themselves amongst the continuous roar of ...myself. That is why there is pain. My passion is slowly dieing amongst the oxygen starved air of its creation. Although the absence of this passion is greatly depressing, there is one thing that I hold onto. After the fires there is a self created Spring season as new growth sprouts through my tar and ash covered soul. This I hold onto. This I strive to catch a glimpse of in hopes that my soul is restored. Could this miracle happen?
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