I Can't Make You Love Me

April 24, 2009 ~

I had a dream of you last night. It was so vivid that I could smell and taste your presence. This dream unlike several others was painted in vivacious colors. You were deciding to fight for me and were realizing the intensity of the eternal ties between our relationship. You know, it seems as though the opposite of my dreams happens in real life. So, I guess, the opposite would be a final declaration of your eternal decision to forever part our hearts. Why do I keep getting reminded of the rejection? I walked into your work today wondering if I would run into you as I continued my business. Over head I heard the same heart wrenching song by Bonnie Rait titled "Can't Make You Love Me". Remember the last time we heard it? The pain of your choice has not faulted in its poisonous purpose. Can a heart become more beaten to a pulp or will it forever endure the continuous abuse that this life will continue to throw at it? Is there a breaking point? I thought I reached it two weeks ago, but I'm not sure. I still feel more pain coming ahead. Why was I born with such a stubborn and tender heart? Couldn't all of us be born with a hardened heart like some nature-built protective force to keep us from breaking with the faults of this world? I will unwillingly forevermore love your soul. Goodbye to everything I want and need. How many times do I say goodbye? A goodbye does not break me from the pain; this I realize. I only say it again and again in hopes that my body's soul will break away from anything pertaining to you or the part of my past that possesses you. Will it make it easier to move on? Does any person truly move on from their past? Each part of a person's past forms into the precise person they are; this is what I have always believed. Does that mean that my person is forever scarred with eternal pain, hurt, misery, rejection, betrayal, lies, abuse, loss, and did I mention PAIN? Dreams like last night leave me with no hope for a happy future. This is so wrong of me, but I did not want to wake up, in fear that I would lose you again when the morning came. This is too much to bear. I just can't make you love me.