September 19, 2009 ~
I unwrap my straining arms from around my legs. I detach my chin from my chest and pull my head up out from between my knees. I close my eyes and let the wind of the air dry my tears. The paths that my tears have created are forever the the canyons of my pain. My heart may be shattered, but I lock the doors to the scene of crime. The bloody mess is left to dry. Though the layers are thick and many, the stiches of time are left to mend the wreckage. I stand on my wobbling newborn's knees. For so long my body has conformed to the hazy confusion of a whirlwind. Now that my feet stand solid, my body is perplexed. So is my soul. Still and quiet are the many sounds of existence. Slowly, a new shade of a brighter color lines the details of life. With every step I take into the colors, my soul feels a crisp sensation that can only be described as an early morning before the dawn of a new day. Although I don't know what the rest of my existence entails, I can't help but yearn for the change that needs to ensue. What lies beneath the time and lock is a pain that will inevitably be revisited by a strong percussion of waves. So longs my soul for the all too familiar state of a throbbing ache. Walk I must, for the instinct of survival is the ultimate successor. "I'm ready now. To fly from the highest swing.(P.A.)"
Friday, September 18, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Hindrance
June 16, 2009 ~
Where do I start with my shredded soul? You said living without being loved is a hindrance for our being. Well, did you plan to hinder me from all you created me to be? All you've put me through or allowed me to go through has infallibly caused such a great pain that ultimately clipped my wings of what life I'm capable of. Why create me if all you tend to do is let me be unloved especially by you? If there is love in your heart for me then you don't show it, you don't give it, you don't let it exist in human terms and conditions. You made me a human so I see and rationalize through a human mind and heart. You say that you love all your creation so much that you hinder yourself to show your love. What relationship is this that you don't even do that? You can for others, but not for Lauren. What have I done or not done to deserve this cold, dark existence? Is your kingdom being furthered through "Lauren's pain?" Good, I'm glad someone is enjoying the presence of, or absence thereof, my heart. I may be still in this room, but I can't even look at you right now. My head is rested against the window staring out at all existence entails. Staying in this room is a hindrance for me, for all I want to do is walk out and close the door. I've hindered myself to stay inside this enclosed room of pain with you in the other corner. You can't even hinder yourself to love me. I can't try anymore, I'm here but I am spent. I truly believe a one way relationship can not work. I've put forth mine, where's yours? Please don't try to tell me that this is a test to see how much I truly love you when all your love is taken away. That's mess! The same way MJS's every word was!
Where do I start with my shredded soul? You said living without being loved is a hindrance for our being. Well, did you plan to hinder me from all you created me to be? All you've put me through or allowed me to go through has infallibly caused such a great pain that ultimately clipped my wings of what life I'm capable of. Why create me if all you tend to do is let me be unloved especially by you? If there is love in your heart for me then you don't show it, you don't give it, you don't let it exist in human terms and conditions. You made me a human so I see and rationalize through a human mind and heart. You say that you love all your creation so much that you hinder yourself to show your love. What relationship is this that you don't even do that? You can for others, but not for Lauren. What have I done or not done to deserve this cold, dark existence? Is your kingdom being furthered through "Lauren's pain?" Good, I'm glad someone is enjoying the presence of, or absence thereof, my heart. I may be still in this room, but I can't even look at you right now. My head is rested against the window staring out at all existence entails. Staying in this room is a hindrance for me, for all I want to do is walk out and close the door. I've hindered myself to stay inside this enclosed room of pain with you in the other corner. You can't even hinder yourself to love me. I can't try anymore, I'm here but I am spent. I truly believe a one way relationship can not work. I've put forth mine, where's yours? Please don't try to tell me that this is a test to see how much I truly love you when all your love is taken away. That's mess! The same way MJS's every word was!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Passionate Fires
May 14, 2009 ~
I am too passionate. I knew I had it in me and unfortunately a person came along and set it to fire. My flames burned the biggest brightest flames that any enormous wild fire could create. My passion is so strong that no man or oceans of water can stop the burning. My flames can only stop by choking themselves amongst the continuous roar of ...myself. That is why there is pain. My passion is slowly dieing amongst the oxygen starved air of its creation. Although the absence of this passion is greatly depressing, there is one thing that I hold onto. After the fires there is a self created Spring season as new growth sprouts through my tar and ash covered soul. This I hold onto. This I strive to catch a glimpse of in hopes that my soul is restored. Could this miracle happen?
I am too passionate. I knew I had it in me and unfortunately a person came along and set it to fire. My flames burned the biggest brightest flames that any enormous wild fire could create. My passion is so strong that no man or oceans of water can stop the burning. My flames can only stop by choking themselves amongst the continuous roar of ...myself. That is why there is pain. My passion is slowly dieing amongst the oxygen starved air of its creation. Although the absence of this passion is greatly depressing, there is one thing that I hold onto. After the fires there is a self created Spring season as new growth sprouts through my tar and ash covered soul. This I hold onto. This I strive to catch a glimpse of in hopes that my soul is restored. Could this miracle happen?
Friday, April 24, 2009
I Can't Make You Love Me
April 24, 2009 ~
I had a dream of you last night. It was so vivid that I could smell and taste your presence. This dream unlike several others was painted in vivacious colors. You were deciding to fight for me and were realizing the intensity of the eternal ties between our relationship. You know, it seems as though the opposite of my dreams happens in real life. So, I guess, the opposite would be a final declaration of your eternal decision to forever part our hearts. Why do I keep getting reminded of the rejection? I walked into your work today wondering if I would run into you as I continued my business. Over head I heard the same heart wrenching song by Bonnie Rait titled "Can't Make You Love Me". Remember the last time we heard it? The pain of your choice has not faulted in its poisonous purpose. Can a heart become more beaten to a pulp or will it forever endure the continuous abuse that this life will continue to throw at it? Is there a breaking point? I thought I reached it two weeks ago, but I'm not sure. I still feel more pain coming ahead. Why was I born with such a stubborn and tender heart? Couldn't all of us be born with a hardened heart like some nature-built protective force to keep us from breaking with the faults of this world? I will unwillingly forevermore love your soul. Goodbye to everything I want and need. How many times do I say goodbye? A goodbye does not break me from the pain; this I realize. I only say it again and again in hopes that my body's soul will break away from anything pertaining to you or the part of my past that possesses you. Will it make it easier to move on? Does any person truly move on from their past? Each part of a person's past forms into the precise person they are; this is what I have always believed. Does that mean that my person is forever scarred with eternal pain, hurt, misery, rejection, betrayal, lies, abuse, loss, and did I mention PAIN? Dreams like last night leave me with no hope for a happy future. This is so wrong of me, but I did not want to wake up, in fear that I would lose you again when the morning came. This is too much to bear. I just can't make you love me.
I had a dream of you last night. It was so vivid that I could smell and taste your presence. This dream unlike several others was painted in vivacious colors. You were deciding to fight for me and were realizing the intensity of the eternal ties between our relationship. You know, it seems as though the opposite of my dreams happens in real life. So, I guess, the opposite would be a final declaration of your eternal decision to forever part our hearts. Why do I keep getting reminded of the rejection? I walked into your work today wondering if I would run into you as I continued my business. Over head I heard the same heart wrenching song by Bonnie Rait titled "Can't Make You Love Me". Remember the last time we heard it? The pain of your choice has not faulted in its poisonous purpose. Can a heart become more beaten to a pulp or will it forever endure the continuous abuse that this life will continue to throw at it? Is there a breaking point? I thought I reached it two weeks ago, but I'm not sure. I still feel more pain coming ahead. Why was I born with such a stubborn and tender heart? Couldn't all of us be born with a hardened heart like some nature-built protective force to keep us from breaking with the faults of this world? I will unwillingly forevermore love your soul. Goodbye to everything I want and need. How many times do I say goodbye? A goodbye does not break me from the pain; this I realize. I only say it again and again in hopes that my body's soul will break away from anything pertaining to you or the part of my past that possesses you. Will it make it easier to move on? Does any person truly move on from their past? Each part of a person's past forms into the precise person they are; this is what I have always believed. Does that mean that my person is forever scarred with eternal pain, hurt, misery, rejection, betrayal, lies, abuse, loss, and did I mention PAIN? Dreams like last night leave me with no hope for a happy future. This is so wrong of me, but I did not want to wake up, in fear that I would lose you again when the morning came. This is too much to bear. I just can't make you love me.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Second Chance
March 30, 2009 ~
I never thought I would be able to breathe again. And now here I am with all my senses alive again. I can not only breathe in the exquisite aroma of all God's creation from the smell of the early morning sunrise to the smell of the trees when the wind blows through them, but I can hear all the detailed songs of various pitches that the birds sing each morning. I can feel the faintest expressions and smiles from the people around me. With this new found life, I received hope that none can fathom. Hope of a life I thought I would never have again. Hope of a love that I imagined would forever fade away. Hope of a purposeful life to live for my Lord. I came to a realization that I am younger than I feel and with that comes more life to live that I had imagined. Granted, I wish and hope for the day that I get to forever reside in eternity's gates of heaven. But it also seems as though my God has washed me clean from the painful life of my past and now given a more beautiful gift of a life that I couldn't imagine existed. There are days when the pain comes back and once again leaves through the cuts left of my heart. Those painful moments are mere pricks compared to the sudden waves of throbbing agony and pain that once took my breath away for months at a time leaving my body scorched with the poison it left behind. Needless to say, I'm thankful for the very breath that I breathe now due to its pure and exhilarating aroma I'm consumed with.
"Sometimes goodbye is a second chance." -S.
I never thought I would be able to breathe again. And now here I am with all my senses alive again. I can not only breathe in the exquisite aroma of all God's creation from the smell of the early morning sunrise to the smell of the trees when the wind blows through them, but I can hear all the detailed songs of various pitches that the birds sing each morning. I can feel the faintest expressions and smiles from the people around me. With this new found life, I received hope that none can fathom. Hope of a life I thought I would never have again. Hope of a love that I imagined would forever fade away. Hope of a purposeful life to live for my Lord. I came to a realization that I am younger than I feel and with that comes more life to live that I had imagined. Granted, I wish and hope for the day that I get to forever reside in eternity's gates of heaven. But it also seems as though my God has washed me clean from the painful life of my past and now given a more beautiful gift of a life that I couldn't imagine existed. There are days when the pain comes back and once again leaves through the cuts left of my heart. Those painful moments are mere pricks compared to the sudden waves of throbbing agony and pain that once took my breath away for months at a time leaving my body scorched with the poison it left behind. Needless to say, I'm thankful for the very breath that I breathe now due to its pure and exhilarating aroma I'm consumed with.
"Sometimes goodbye is a second chance." -S.
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